S

It was when I first saw you....that I really felt good about myself :) You were singing on stage and you looked ever so beautiful with your eyes shining and your hair billowing in the soft breeze... I cannot understand why my heart thumped when I picked up your register which you had forgetfully abandoned in the Electrical Networks lab. I did not have the courage to give it back to you, so I passed it on to my friend who did the honors :)

It was when I saw you dancing on stage during the college festival that I realized how beautiful you really are... I had goosebumps and I could only watch on, my eyes wide apart and my body numb to the world...the feeling was ethereal :)

It was when we first met.... and I was a mess, stammering, blabbering non sense and staring down at my toes....

I still remember the time we spent together.. just the two of us in one of the empty rooms in college, where we talked for hours....where we communicated so much in those lovely snatches of time...

It was when I held your hand to help you climb onto the stage during this college festival.....

It was when you put your head on my shoulder after your dance performance telling me that you are so nervous... It was when you blushed when I congratulated you for winning :)

It was when I gave you a rose with a broken stem :D before we went on stage to host an event together :)

It was the hour we spent outside our classes after bunking our lectures :)

It was the concern I felt when you left for home so very late that one night

It is what I feel when whenever we meet......

Sigh.... Tis can never be :)

Just wanted you to know S :)

I am missing you and I care about you :)

HEART ACHE............. :(

This post has been written just to let out my bottled up emotions out .... cause today , the long night cum dawn of the 29th of May is f***ing my brains out :(

I do not not what to do :(

I have written one post already ...... :(

I feel terrified...for an unknown reason, I am scared beyond words, I am so very restless, I cannot lie down and go to sleep :( I just cannot close my eyes peacefully....even death would be welcome :(

I am missing you J..... I am really missing you a lot :( .. I messaged you yesterday night but you did not reply... I so so want to meet you again and make you laugh over the cup of coffee we promised ourselves 3 years ago. I remember that you once asked me to have a cuppa@CCD, but due to unavoidable circumstances I could not join you. I promise you that we will have a cup soon in each other's company...All the same I am missing you so very much.. I hope that you are smiling girl :) Deja Vu' :)

I am thinking about you Sitanshu. I am thinking about the cricket we played outside your house, the times when we solved those mock IIT papers at each other's houses, am thinking about the time I watched Dil Chahta Hai at your house and felt that our friendship could last the apocolypse, I am missing the way you used to end up outside my house on your Activa and call out to me from under my window, I am missing the times when we used to meet up during the morning assemblies, I am shedding tears on remembering the one time when you landed up at my house to teach my brother on the eve of his maths paper even though it was pouring cats and dogs, I am looking at the diary you gifted me and I cannot control my sobs :( You mean everything and a lot to me brother..... I am missing you so very much :( I cannot wait to see you again :(

I am thinking about you F, you are not picking up the phone...Are you ill, are you unwell ?? Has your mood gotten better ?? Missing you dear :( Wanna meet up with you as soon as possible.. and give you the hug I should have given previously :) I hope that the sweet girl is smiling :)

I am thinking about you too S, why are you so sweet to me ? I think ,we both know that we do not have a path in front of us which we can cross together.. Still, I care about you a lot :) am missing you horribly as well :( although I keep seeing you from time to time :)

Missing you Dad, am really horribly missing you :) Please come back soon and scold me... I want you to beat me up :) but please sit down and laugh with me while watching the news channels together.... Missing you dad :( I wanna hug you as soon as you come..Do not worry...Everything will be fine :)

I am missing you Usha, your big brother needs to see you smile everyday... and that is not happening :(

Sorry for imposing this on you people :( I am feeling very lonely and sad :( I do not know what to do :(

This post lifted some grief of my chest for the time being.......

SHE...

Why cant I just forget her ?? I just cannot seem to get over her :( I try hard to get away, start over afresh...but then I realize...that I just love her too much...After a fight, my mind tells me to break off contact for 5 months, my heart tells me to stop being foolish because it knows that my sabbatical will not last 5 minutes :(

I get jealous when she mentions her crush, when she goes out with other guys and has a good time... I honestly admit it... I am not possessive nor am I a dog in the manger...Since she is not mine, I do not have any reason to be jealous or feel irritated when she talks about the lovely time that she spent . Sigh ! I guess she would have to be in my shoes to feel what happens...It is like a little pin prick inside my heart .... :( I just cannot help it... It is involuntary... I know other people have more of a right to be with her and I am the least worthy among them all...but still... I hope and I hope ....

I am so in love ...the love outlasts the pain... She tells me to let go, be selfish, harbor no hopes, "try to learn", compartmentalize and not care so much for her :(
I do not want to regret and tell myself on my deathbed that I could have given her more love and care than I am presently giving her right now :) If you do not do all the above mentioned things when you meet the love of your life, then when in hell are you going to do it ??
I know that she is the one.....Sigh...It gets so hard and lonely when she is sad or behaving brusquely with me for any reason :( I love her so very much.... I always want to see her happy... I want her to know that whatever happens... I will always be there...and I want her to look inside her heart...She might listen to it and she might also come to know about the things she does which hurt me the most...foremost of them being "no hugs" *wry smile*

Sigh ! sometimes... I wish she was mine....sometimes I wish she was mine.... :(
What can i say ? I just love her so much :( and nothing can change it...She is the most beautiful person in the world for me :) I wish she knew what she means to me... I just wish.... :(