EXPECTATIONS, BURDENS, MORBIDNESS

The last time I visited a hospital was about 3 months ago for the treatment of my foot. I was very privileged to visit the mortifying sanctities of a hospital once again on Tuesday. The inner sanctums of a human mind are vast and unfathomable. The number of activities and thoughts which the human brain processes per second is truly amazing. But the problem is that these thoughts often cloud your senses when they should be functioning at their active best. How was I supposed to hear the blaring horns ?? How was I supposed to avoid the skidding car ?? Perhaps my senses were drug induced :) or perhaps my mind was wandering.

An overnight stay was required. My hip was patched up and my leg was cleaned and stitched up.
The pain was unbearable, but the pain was good. It felt long overdue....it felt nice..... That night , calmed by the white sheets and numbed by the chloroform and phenyl vapours, I lay thinking about the many forms of human expectations.

Why do we expect ?? Because we feel that at some level, our expectations will be met. It might not be a 100% fulfillment but it may be fulfilled up to 90%,80%,70%,60%....................... My college expects me to be there till 8pm to 9pm until the accredit ion process is completed and on some level I am fulfilling their expectations. The burden of expectations gets to you sometimes....it weighs down on your mind like lead. The failure to meet expectations
is horrible but the pain of not having your expectations met is numbing.

I have been fortunate enough and unfortunate enough to see both sides of the coin. But sadly all my life its been the damn est thing which has thrown me into the realms of morbidness. I expect and I blasphemise. I commit about a 100 sins per day by fuel ling my expectations. I stayed awake all night. I tried to speak to myself but my voice had gone all croaky and cracked. I wanted to talk to somebody, maybe even to myself but i could not.

Its the saddest feeling to have buried inside your chest. There is something that you want to say, there is something that you want to tell someone.....but you cannot force it out. Your organs and your body refuse to obey your commands. It is essential to classify human expectations under two heads. You either expect practically or you expect hypothetically. The latter is what has pinched me from time to time :)

The next morning I dressed and walked to college. It was forbidden but then I am a strange guy. This perpetual sadness is haunting me every step of the way. My hip is paining and my leg is stinging. But then.... pain is good, pain is nice..... CIAO